moments captured while jay walking.

This morning I was on my way back from getting coffee and was crossing the street, arms full of things I shouldn't have bought. (But I did because food, amirite?)

I should preface this by saying that I'm feeling like my senses are returning or something, which is pretty bizarre.

Anyhow, I'm crossing the street and I smell the bagel shop down the street. They're making cinnamon raisin. And I can smell it.

And it made me smile.

So here's to all the bagels. Thank you for reminding me that things can be good.

And cinnamony. 

<3 S

ok.

This is long. Brace yourselves.

Two days ago at school, my brain had had enough.

I distinctly remember my co-worker turning to me and asking if I was ok, to which I replied, "I'm done."

I then walked down the hall, called my doctor, and told my principal was wasn't ok. Then I made some plans and left the building.

And I really, really wasn't ok.

To most people, I don't seem like someone this would happen to. Something I get a lot from people I eventually befriend is, "When I first met you I thought you were annoyingly perky," or "How are you even so happy all the time?" Those people often find it hard to believe that I suffer from intense anxiety and it's super fun friend, depression.

The thing with anxiety and all that goes along with it, is that it often doesn't manifest the way most people think it does. When I was a teen and into my early twenties, I dealt with (what I had no idea was) my anxiety through over-exercising and eating as little as possible. This was my way of feeling in control and taking charge of my life. It got to such a point where I was so thin that my period stopped, I shut out some of my closest friends and family, and started having stroke-like symptoms. It took the ladies at my hometown gym literally surrounding me and telling me that I was unhealthy to realize that I wasn't ok. And I still didn't know that I had anxiety.

Like most people with anxiety, my family members have it too. Both sides of my family deal with many of the same things I do, but they don't really label it as "anxiety." This is part of the reason why I had no idea what was happening to me and how to deal with it.

Throughout my twenties I got a hold of it in some ways. That day at the gym was a wakeup call, and I started to treat my body with a little more care. As a result, my anxiety symptoms eased, and I was able to go on with life. But there was always an extreme need for control, and a very clear difference between me being ok, and really not ok. That is to say, I regularly went off the rails and shut down.

When I started to teach, my world got bigger and more stressful, as tends to happen. I was balancing two jobs, and bad relationship, and money issues. My way of dealing was to become deeply immersed in running. It wasn't just a pastime or fitness, it was my world. If I couldn't run, I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I felt like I was going to explode. I felt completely out of control. I would run even if my body ached or I was running a fever. I would run in storms, in the extreme heat, and during one particularly difficult holiday at my parents, in an extreme ice storm. But I truly felt that I was managing myself, and that I was doing something good for my body.

When teaching started to become my one focus (yea! one job!), that's when I started to really feel that something still wasn't quite right. I would run my heart out and pour myself into my work, and I still felt uneasy. I had been seeing an amazing man - the man I'd eventually marry - who was so understanding and supportive, but I still felt so alone.

I shared a teeny office with two lovely women at that time, and we basically poured our hearts out to one another. It was an extremely vulnerable time for a few of us in there, and we were just trying to hold it all together and do our best for our kids. 

I was literally disintegrating from the inside during one of the best times of my life and I was perplexed and felt extremely helpless. I felt short of breath, perpetually close to tears, like my brain was racing. I wasn't sleeping. I was a mess.

Sometimes I really think things happen for a reason. 

The woman who sat directly to my left had been noticing me falling apart (how could she not?). She was very frank and open with me about her own mental health struggles, and suggested I see my doctor about what I was going through. I had just gotten a new doctor, and at the persistence of my boyfriend, I decided to make an appointment.

I can't even express the weight that was lifted when I told my doctor how I was feeling. She basically told me that it wasn't ok that I was feeling this way. She told me I was doing everything in my power to deal with this and that without help I wouldn't be able to. Prior to this I'd been prescribed sleeping pills from my hometown doctor (yep. really.) and been told to relax. This woman was the first person who actually helped me put a name on what I was experiencing, and helped me begin to deal with it. 

For many years I had my anxiety under control. Now knowing what it actually was, I could take steps toward living with it and staying healthy. I started to listen to my body more, listen to my head more. I became very vocal about my own mental health with my family and friends, and even at school. I became better at dealing with it. Not perfect, but better.

Then this past year really threw me for a loop. 

My boyfriend and I had planned an amazing wedding and gotten married. I had finally achieved that unicorn of a dream for teachers in my board that is the full time contract. Things were looking wonderful, and my life was pretty sweet. But then, things started to slide. I'd entered into a very difficult work situation, and suddenly my school environment - my happy place to all those who know me - had become my greatest source of stress. After five months of dealing, and using all the strategies and positivity I had in me, I crashed. 

All those articles that say anxiety and depression go hand in hand must be inside my brain poking around or something, because it all started to happen. I wasn't sleeping, or all I was doing was sleeping. My heart was racing constantly; I was literally shaking. Every evening seemed to begin and end with me in tears, leaving my poor husband to try and deal with the after effects of chemical depression and all it brings with it during panic attacks. 

Telling my principal that I wasn't ok was literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Teaching is my world. I feel grateful everyday that I get to do what I do, and it makes up such a large part of who I am as a person. Without it I feel like I'm missing a limb. 

My doctor agreed that I was under extreme stress and to continue on like this was to basically risk running myself into the ground, and going back to that dark place I'd been before. The hardest decision ever was agreeing with her and stepping away from my classroom, and my children, one month before the end of the school year. My heart has literally been aching since I made that decision, and I'm not sure I can even cry about it anymore.

Putting yourself first isn't easy. I was trained to think that it was selfish and weak to do so. Awareness about mental health wasn't always as it is now, clearly, and because of that there's still some residual misinformation out there, even for those of us who are dealing with it. Those thought will always be in the back of my head, and I will always struggle to push them out.

My amazing doctor told me that it was strong to put my health first, not weak. So did my amazing principal. As did my amazing husband. I so appreciate this, and I'll never be able to tell them how much.

Making this decision isn't the end of my stress. I know things will get harder before they get better. I know people will talk, and think that I'm selfish and lazy for bailing out. Some days I wake up and feel like this. 

I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't wake up feeling like a cloud is resting on my shoulders. I deal with my anxiety and depression through mild medication, practicing mindfulness, and talking about it with people who know me and care. There is no one way to deal with this type of illness. In education, we know that every child is uniquely different. We know that there's no one strategy that works for everyone, and that it takes effort and time to figure out what makes each child tick. That's what I know to be true about dealing with mental illness.

I know that by taking time to heal myself, I'm ensuring that I can be the best teacher I can be for many years to come. Running ourselves into the ground does no one any good.

This won't be the last time I talk about this, for sure. There's no "off" button for my brain (someone should get on making that, ok?). But I hope that someone reads this and benefits from it. It has really helped me to put this here so I can remind myself that it's ok not to be ok.

<3 S

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the book was better (and other cynical offerings).

It's always the worst when someone talks about a movie that they've seen and you have to basically tell them that they're wrong and the book was better. But truth is how it goes. Case in point is Gone Girl. Honestly, even though the movie was pretty nifty, the book was so much more shocking and lovely as a whole. So no matter how the movie was, you're holding it up against the book which is pretty much the best...est...est. You know what I mean.

So far, FT teaching jobs are like the movies based off beloved books. In my humble opinion. But I have every hope they will become full fledged unicorns.

                                                     via

Derek and I have been having a lot of chats about big life things and getting it all together lately (aka, I have been talking about the big life things in crazy brain mode lately). The whole adult thing is the most bizarre, but clearly inevitable. It's like when you're 10 minutes into a run. Your whole brain is telling you how easy it would be to just... not. Just quit, and forget the hard work and all that jazz. So Easy! But when you're done you feel like it was all worth it. That's how it is. That's where I am right now.

And this whole post was basically an episode of Growing Pains or Full House. BOOM.

Morality, amirite?

<3 S

fuzziness.

Today my brain is fuzzy and the only way to describe how I feel is with the song that I keep replaying in my head. 

A demain.

<3 S

lately.

Sometimes it feels like the winter months pass by with little to speak of that is of interest. I was totally feeling this way, and actually feeling a little sad-sap-sorry for myself (I know, how terrible), but upon looking through my iPhone photos, I realized my winter was actually kinda ballin.

Here are a few highlights from the past while.

Derek's band played fashion week in Ottawa!

It was super fun to see them do their thing. 

The background made for rad photos! Yea!

Fashion Week: I kind of didn't get it.

What I did get was SUPER excited to jump around

like a lunatic in the parking garage cause... look at 

all that SPACE! 

I love how the smallest, most boring little details are 

made romantic by a fresh covering of snow.

Snowy walks home after friendly get togethers.

They look super badass here for sure.

I drool over museums. At night. So eerie/pretty.

Lion in a hat of snow.

Queen of the blurry pics.

Lights are still up. At least it's pretty at night.

Sculpture made into monster in the evening light.

And then it snowed. A lot. 20 plus centimetres! 

Very pretty but very slow going if you tried to go...

anywhere.

Frosty everything. 

This park is usually teeming with people,

but this day it was cold and lonely.

And pretty! Just for me. :)

Teacher workshop! We were learning about fractions.

I think this picture makes me look very scholarly.

That's because it doesn't show all my cartooning.

Also, it's super fun to play with manipulatives.

I'm totally a grown up.

Also, workshops with free coffee are groovy.

I had a lot of coffee. I also talked a lot. Yea coffee!

AND I got to use the washroom any time I wanted. 

CRAZY!

(Teachers appreciate this freedom.)

I call it chat à côté de la fenêtre. 

Meetups with a lovely pal were great. In the window

of the coffee shop, we spotted Grover. He played

his guitar for us in a fancy outfit. Then he ran away.

I love getting serenaded by my love. 

Look at those beautiful feet!

Can't wait for more lovely adventures as spring encroaches. 

Mmmm spring.

Did I mention I'm on March Break?!

!!

<3 S

ready, break.

Can you hear that? It's the sound of anticipation. Of long awaited solace. Of sleeping in.

March Break!

I remember when I was in elementary school (sometimes way too clearly) and it felt like the break was over two weeks long. When I went back to school afterwards, I always felt like I'd been away for ages. Basically because I'd forgotten everything.

I've been looking forward to this break for a long while now. I'm aware that it's a perk of my job, but what many people fail to recognize is that we work so. hard. This job asks for your soul, for every ounce of energy and passion, and then asks for more.

I'm not complaining. I love my job. I love that I get to see excited little faces every day. I love that I get to hear amazing and hilarious comments on the regular. I love that I get to see those rare "Aha! I get it!" moments.

But you know, when you put so much into work every day you lose the energy for other things. It's been ages since I've painted. I fall asleep on the couch at 8:30 or 9 o'clock (sorry honey). I let my own passions slide.

I think when you're a teacher, you learn early on that life isn't just about you. I hear this a lot from friends with kids. When I comment on the fact that it's insane that someone hasn't slept for more than 2 or 3 hours a night for a week because their kid is sick, the reply is often "You don't really choose. You just do it."

I've always wanted to impart big ideas to my kids. I want them to feel like they can do anything. Sometimes I forget that the best way to do that is to take my own advice.

My March Break buddy. In the bathtub, of course. :)

Here's my super-rad March Break list of awesomeness:
- play the ukulele.
- meet with friends. have wine. in the afternoon.
- paint.
- sleep in!
- drink a full cup of coffee.
- run!
- take a walk to nowhere.
- make a stop motion movie.
- read. books.

This is a short and boring list and it makes me soooo happy.

Yea breaks!

<3 S

if you ask me what I like.

On Monday, I am a bear. Like every other person, I grumble as I crawl out of bed and try to make myself presentable. As a way of combating the Monday ickiness I feel, I make it my mission to be extra productive. I often plan my entire next week of school on Mondays. At the end of the day, I leave feeling thoroughly exhausted but satisfied that I did something to make this day worthwhile. 

During the week, I'm immersed in work. Complacent because I know there are several days left in which I have to share my time with work. While I love my job, I also love having time to do things like sleep, drink more than a cup of coffee, and spend my time how I choose.

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm actually giddy. Giddy with anticipation of 2 whole days that I get to fill with anything I damn well please! Two full days in which I get to sleep in, drink litres of coffee (yea health!), watch bad tv early in the morning, and eat candy for breakfast. Long live Hot Tamales.

So, in celebration of weekend awesomeness here are some cool things that I like at random. 

via

Ok. So. This shirt is amazing. I mean, let me count the reasons! Mint. Peter Pan collar allusion. SPACE. I think that the internet should gift it to me as a reward. For stuff. 

I ordered these jeans from urban last week. Every day I look in/beside the mailbox with hope - come soon pants. Your awesome high waist and retro-feel seams do things to me.

Tell me you've read this story. The accompanying gif is... allllll kinds of awesome. I cackled to myself on the bus when I saw it. For like, 20 minutes. Then, I sent it to Derek. What a party.

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I recently purchased a cat shirt from a local boutique. I love it. It has reignited my love for all things feline. Like the shirt above. I need this in order to properly welcome spring/summer - cat style!

Every now and then I like to read through the archives of some of my favourite blogs. I'm recently reading through this amazing blog, and it's giving me even more reasons to admire this stellar lady.

And hey, you know what doesn't get much play? The chickpea. While reading the aforementioned blog, this post made me want to grab all of my cloth shopping bags and go and fill them with cans of chickpeas. So I can make all of these recipes. Especially the roasted chickpeas. Yum.

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Sigh. Leah Goren strikes again. When I look at this shirt, my brain is all, "It's a crop top. A crop top! It will expose your midriff. You don't need to do that." But then I throw reason and logic to the curb and fawn all over the colour scheme. Also, with high waisted jeans? Come now.

I did a math problem featuring Peeps this week. (Sometimes I type these things and it's like... wow.) Multiplication allows for good times, folks. The best part of this moment was explaining to 25 children what Peeps are. And then realizing... they really aren't good for you. (But, they ARE good for your soul. You heard it here first.)

(You are doing yourself a dis-service by failing to click on that Peeps website link. That site is my 8 year old self's daydream.)

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Man. I heart this dress. It cements the truth of the fact that I am indeed in love with all things 90's. Babydoll length, slouchy neckline... s'all good. 

Lately, I've been in a painting rut. The idea of putting brush to canvas makes me feel... disinterested. On the flip side, I know I need to do something creative. Excess creative energy with no outlet makes me... crazylike. So in a rut I remain. This lady is so talented. And I'm inspired by her.

Also: Anya from Buffy? Super. I keep forgetting how amazing that character is. But I think she is officially my favourite character. Aside from Willow. Why must I choose. This tumbler is awesome.

Ok! Wow. I have lots of disjointed things to say, huh?

In closing, let me link to this fantastic song that my beloved shared with me the other day.

Lovelove. This band.

Happy weekend!

<3 S